When a child is sexually abused, he is violated in the most intimate, devastating way possible. It has been proven that sexually abused children who are supported by those around them are much less likely to engage in self-destructive and generally destructive behaviors such as drug or alcohol abuse, self-mutilation, and violence. Parents have a lot of power to give their abused children and chance at a wonderful life if they take proper measures.
First of all, if the abuse occurred by someone who your child has regular contact with, no matter how close you are to that person, you must end your child's and your relationship with that person. If she lives in your house, kick her out of the house. If you feel the need, help her find another place to live. But keeping your child's abuser in her life will stunt her healing process and make her feel unprotected and betrayed by you. If your child desires to have a relationship with this person, consider whether this is in her best interest and, if you decide to allow your child to visit with this person, absolutely ensure that every second of every visit is monitored.
When a child has been abused, her boundaries have been deeply violated. Do everything in your power to give him back his power over himself and his body. Before hugging him, ask if it's okay for you to hug him, and try not to get offended if he says no. It's likely about him, not you. Let your child know that he always has the right to say no to someone touching his body, even when it's just for a hug.
Chances are, when your child was abused, his feelings were either terribly intense or completely suppressed. His emotions coming out of that could be very tricky to deal with, but, whatever those emotions are, allow your child to have and express them to you. He could be feeling guilt, fear, sadness, anger, or any of a wide range of emotions, and that's okay. Let him know that's okay. Give him a chance to talk it out with you. If he wants to talk about graphic details of his abuse, let him know that that's acceptable. Make sure you don't seem overwhelmed, angry, or disgusted by what he tells you. Just let him tell you, and love and support him. Let him know that it's not his fault and that he's very brave for talking about it.
Don't be afraid to get your child into therapy, but make sure that it's what she wants as well. It's okay to try to convince her, but forcing it on her will make her feel like her boundaries are being violated and that she's being abused all over again. If both her and you believe that therapy is a good idea, choose her therapist well. Make sure the therapist has expertise in dealing with childhood sexual abuse. Most importantly, make sure your child likes her therapist. Let her know that if she doesn't feel right about this particular therapist, you'd be happy to find her a new one.
Foster parents play a special role in the lives of abused children. All of the previously mentioned advice is relevant, but foster parents must often deal with the added issue of their child having been abused by his biological parents. Sexual abuse by parents often causes the deepest wound, and having "replacement" parents can be difficult for survivors. It is necessary to re-parent these children in a safe and loving way. Any anger that is directed at you should not be taken personally. To your child, you're a substitute parent, and their biological parents were abusive. While maintaining her boundaries, surround her with love and support. Let her know that you'll always be in her life, despite what decisions social workers make about whether or not she should live with you, and mean it.
Parenting sexually abused children is a challenge, but, if overcome, it can be incredible for both you and that child. Please give your child the chance to heal -- he deserves it.
Sammi Feldman - I am the president of a not-for-profit organization called Kidzz4Kidzz, Inc., which benefits disadvantaged children, youth in foster care, ...
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